[Testimony to be found in the spring issue of the têtu· magazine, available at your newsstands or delivered to you by subscription.] The exhibition does not reveal itself; it offers itself to the voyeur’s gaze. Our anonymous gay witness practices exhibitionism as a high-tension spectacle. When the curtain rises, he straightens up…
When did you first taste the pleasure of being seen?
The revelation happened very early, from the first contacts with my sexuality, when I discovered masturbation. It was with a French neighbor who used to spend summers at his father’s, in Montreal. We must have been 13. We started talking about masturbation, about our dicks… then, we ended up masturbating together. I loved mutual masturbation, and, above all, I loved being watched. As soon as we had a moment, we would go masturbate together! It was at once voyeuristic and exhibitionist – for me, one goes with the other. However, we never touched each other.
What turns you on in this exhibitionist-voyeur relationship?
I want to see in the other’s gaze that I can arouse them, that they want me. And there, I present myself as a spectacle. No matter the age, the body, the looks, I just need to know that the other plays the same game as me, speaks the same language, that we share a kink in common. Also, I sometimes provoke the crowd with an overly tight pair of shorts and reveal myself partially to greet the indiscreet glances…
You do respect consent, right?
Some people like improbable places and want, for example, to be seen in stores by people who are not receptive. I don’t like imposing; it makes me anxious. I like knowing that I can be seen, that I can be caught, but I want to be watched by people who enjoy it.
The pleasure of giving, in short?
Be careful, I don’t offer myself! I’m in control, I call the shots. I decide what I show, but also when and how I show it. And I touch myself alone. I don’t give my body to the other; I control every millimeter of it. Since the other is watching, it’s certain that I give them something, but it is I who unpack my intimacy, it is I who give! It all starts from a form of vulnerability, and yet it is clearly a demonstration of power. It radiates such energy that I feel invincible.
Is there a tacit code among exhibitors?
It requires honesty and respect. Exhibiting is a matter of show, of eventfulness. We move out of the framework of traditional sexuality, which can be constraining. Even among queers, there is a heteronormative heritage that influences sexuality, which remains fairly framed, normative. Here, there is no pressure; you don’t try at all costs to live up to it, to fill the other’s insecurities. We live a form of sexuality that escapes the cage that requires at least two, which I do not find fulfilling in the long run.
Where do you practice? Have you formed a neighborhood network, or have you broadened your circle?
I stay on the lookout in day-to-day life. When I linger in a locker room, under the shower of a gym, I watch for signals. The exhibitionist paradise remains beaches, woods, public restrooms, cars. I’ve tried riskier places: the stairwell of a building, an airport, the office bathroom… But I’m not into saunas or backrooms. I don’t need a place that guarantees anonymity.
Christophe sang “Comme un interdit / Un grand soleil, les jours de pluie / Elle a changé ma vie morose / Pour un bouquet de fantaisies”. He was probably talking about exhibitionism, wasn’t he?
The forbidden is a motor, of course. It wouldn’t be the same thing if it were allowed or even banalized. There are exhibitionist parties where it is explicitly allowed, but what remains is that, if it’s arousing, it is precisely because at base this fantasy originates in the forbidden. Risk is part of the fantasy. Not so much in the sense of being surprised or recognized, but in the sense of knowing you must stay alert. At any moment, in showers, in locker rooms, I know that if I hear the door opening, I must quickly hide and act as normally as possible. And then, if I feel there’s an opening, that the newcomer wants to catch me in the act, I present myself with pleasure. It’s always a discovery and it gives a very particular excitement, a mix of embarrassment and stress. The adrenaline rush combined with the sexual act is exhilarating.
Do you see yourself hanging up?
No. I can’t do without it. When I have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, I like to involve them in our sexual practice. But honestly, it’s a kink I prefer to experience alone.
Do you think you’re a sex-loving misanthrope?
On the contrary! I need human contact and I struggle to find it when I have virtual plans. Loneliness can quickly weigh on me and make me feel dim, empty. Conversely, after an exhibition, I feel totally in tune with myself. Once I sense that I have aroused the other, I feel extremely well. Even more so when the looks become conspiratorial. Sometimes, a few glances are enough to create a connection, to share intimacy. In parks, for example, I sometimes continue the moment by exchanging a few words, slipping a joke. It humanizes. In fact, I have kept in touch with some of these strangers.
