The Useful April Month Also Speaks to the Relatives of People Directly Affected by Chemsex. Here are some action steps to support a friend, a lover, or a parent who has fallen into the spiral of addiction.
Illustration: Laurier The Fox for têtu·
“Facing the addiction of a loved one, we often feel powerless, says Dr. Hélène Donnedieu, head of the addiction service at CHU of Montpellier, who treats people struggling with chemsex. We try different techniques, but often nothing works. Should we, for that reason, give up? Certainly not, because the surrounding circle is involved in the remission of people who are dependent. On the condition of adopting the right stance and not exhausting oneself in a caregiver role that can be draining.
Understand
“The first step is to educate yourself to understand what chemsex is“, explains Dr. Jean-Victor Blanc, psychiatrist, author of the book Des amours chimiques, le fléau du chemsex. The aim is to reach a sufficient level of information to understand, on the one hand, what addiction is and its mechanisms and, on the other hand, what chemsex is in its specifics, that is, a practice combining sexuality, drugs, and sociability, which has a strong emotional and identity dimension, and which can trigger a form of shame and a culture of secrecy.
Identify
Often partners to addictions, shame and secrecy are all the more frequent when chemsex dependence is involved. In these conditions, it is highly probable that the dependent person will not openly disclose their difficulties, but these will appear in a cluster of signs that should raise alarms. First, changes related to sociability that show that chemsex is taking over the rest of life:
- – A two-track life: social and hidden
- – Prolonged disappearances
- – Frequent cancellations or unpredictability
- – Progressive isolation outside of chemsex
Next, signs related to physical and mental health:
- – Fatigue
- – Stress
- – Irritability
- – Depression, especially after plans
- – Weight loss
- – Discomfort or loss of consciousness
- – Injection marks
Then signs related to the impact of addiction on daily life:
- – Professional difficulties
- – Financial problems
- – Relational conflicts
- – Withdrawal from usual activities
Talk
In light of a accumulation of these signs, the goal is not to investigate, much less to monitor or to seek to “make them confess” (no one here is guilty!) but to maintain the connection in order to open dialogue.
- – Start by choosing the right moment, outside sessions, outside withdrawal, in calm and without urgency.
- – Avoid hot confrontations and group discussions in the style of a collective “intervention.”
- – Favor “I” statements such as “I’m worried about you”, “I’ve noticed you’ve been very tired lately”, “I care about you and wanted to talk”, rather than launching into frontal attacking and judgment (“You’re messing up”, “You’re an addict”, “You must stop”…).
- – Explain the concrete reasons for your concern (“You disappeared all weekend”, “You looked exhausted on Monday”…).
- – Ask open-ended questions to understand rather than to convince: “How are you living this right now?”, “What does it bring you?”, “Are there moments when it’s harder?”.
- – Validate emotions, without judgment, without any urge to control.
- – Incorporate the principle of harm reduction: the goal is not necessarily to stop, and anyway it is not up to you to decide for them.
Aiding a dependent person means first accepting that things take time, because the person often has to move beyond denial and concealment. “People lie a lot when they’re addicted, especially to protect themselves,” testifies Fabien, 30, abstinent for several months. Do not take the lies personally, as a betrayal. They are part of the process.
Act
Helping a loved one who is dependent is not about playing the caregiver, nor about viewing yourself as a savior. “What you can do as a friend is above all to be present and maintain the connection, not replace a professional,” says Fred Bladou, sex therapist and addiction professional. He also explains that when one of his close friends was affected by addiction and expressed a desire to get out, he helped organize their care with a caregiver. “Do not confine the person to their uses, remember why you became friends with them and take an interest in them,” adds Hélène Donnedieu. Let them know you’re there, especially during withdrawal after plans, and strive to create a compassionate social environment. Continue, for example, by offering activities to avoid isolation.
Communication being the key, Jean-Victor Blanc recommends discussing with the person the place you can have in their life and, for example, the times when you can call them.
Guide
If your role can in no way replace that of a professional, you can direct your friend toward people who can accompany them, whether it be community support, support groups, health centers, psychologists, psychiatrists, addiction specialists, sexologists, etc. You will find here a list of available resources.
Protect Yourself
“It’s incredibly hard, it’s painful, it’s sometimes revolting and hard to understand that the person we love, their partner, their friend is ‘destroying themselves’ without reacting,” says Fred Bladou. For loved ones, adopting a positive posture that could help can pose a real danger to mental health. Therefore, take care of yourself as well, and don’t think that the other person is at the center.” He particularly recommends setting boundaries: “One sober lunch per week, one evening, one phone call per day, something simple that isn’t about reproaches or urging care, or else the person will flee, through guilt, from these privileged moments.” He also advises protecting yourself: “Do not guilt-trip them, do not settle their money problems, do not be complicit in consumption but rather be the one who understands and will accompany them, when they can, toward another path.” Finally, don’t stay alone—talk to your own therapist, or join a support group such as those offered by Narcotics Anonymous or the mixed Chems Pause groups, which host concerned individuals and relatives one Sunday a month.
📍 Reserve your place for our round table “Chemsex: how to rekindle your social, festive and sexual life?” on Friday, April 24 at Césure (Paris). Free tickets on Event Brite.
